I Know Why This Caged Bird Hasn’t Sung

I wrote this awhile ago for a friend’s blog and decided to share it here as well. This was a heavy one for me to write. 

My name is Deborah.

I am an Addict.
I am a Mommy.
I am a Survivor.
I am a Writer who has gone silent for too long.

Given the opportunity to share a piece of me had left me silent…. musing over what to say and how to say it. I am seldom silent. Upon introspection I have come to realize this free bird has been far from free. While I am proud of what I have overcome and where I am today, I am still sick. I still fear harming those that I love. To share a piece of my puzzle would be to open the cage door and sing. To share just a few pieces of events that have created me requires a vulnerability that is frightening.

I am an addict in recovery. I know what it is like to live to use and use to live. The last few years of my life have been a roller coaster of emotion and spiritual awakenings that I never knew were possible. The disease of addiction took hold of me at 30 yrs old. I know what it is like to need a drug in order to be a Mommy. I know what true, complete, and total spiritual bankruptcy feels like. I know what it is like to pray for death.

I was the agreeable child. The peacemaker. My co-dependent world revolved around the men and trying to keep a semblance of peace in a land of chaos and discontent. I was taught my physical attributes would be the key to attaining my needs and wants. I have felt the knot in the pit of my stomach for as long as I can remember.

I quickly sought similar validation from a boy and, when facing a new form of abuse, struggled to re-gain control; to fix the new imbalance. I had to learn to be a Mamma at 15 and by learning to be a Mamma I broke the chain of physical violence. I refused to let my daughter know that cycle. Milestones and accomplishments I should have never statistically attained came and went. In time, I found someone who loved me as I was and without violence. I was happy. I strove for perfection. I am not perfect. I soon found the answers in a pill. A pill to help me on my quest for perfection. I continued to numb the hurts of my past. I was addicted.

Mamma, Mommy, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Friend…. all became inconsequential. Just keep the pain away. My pride would not allow me to ask for help. I was to find the way out on my own as I had so many times before. Pride goeth before the fall. So I fell. And I fell. And I fell. I took the hand that reached out. I fell again. The hand reached out again.

I have learned that this addict will use everything and anything to be numb. Drugs, money, food, lack of food, sex, people, chaos: I can no longer be numb. Today I feel. Today I love. Today I forgive. Today I extend my hand to the fallen. Today I am a Mamma and a Mommy and a Wife. I am a Daughter, a Sister, and a Friend.

Today I am a writer and I am singing. My name is Deborah and I am an Addict.

Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Cookies

These cookies are amazing and bake to be similar to a muffin top!

Ingredients: 

2 1/2 cups flour

1 tsp salt

1 tsp baking soda

1 tsp ground cinnamon

1/2 tsp ground nutmeg

1/2 tsp ground clove 

pinch of ground ginger

1/2 cup butter; room temperature

1 cup packed light brown sugar

1/2 cup sugar

1 egg; room temperature

15 oz. pure pumpkin

1 tsp vanilla 

1-2 cups chocolate chips

 

Directions: 

1. Preheat the oven to 375

2. Sift together; flour, salt, baking soda, cinnamon, nutmeg, clove, and ginger. Set aside. 

3. Beat butter, brown sugar, and sugar in a large bowl. 

4. Add pumpkin and vanilla. 

5. Add egg. 

6. Gradually mix in the flour mixture. 

7. Fold in chocolate chips. 

8. Drop rounded tablespoons onto cookie sheet (ideally lined with parchment paper)

9. Bake for 13-15 minutes (look for brown edges). Allow cookies to rest 2 minutes then move to cookie racks. 

Optional: 

Whip up some cream cheese icing or a glaze and ice or drizzle your cookies. 

 

ENJOY!

 

 

 

@recovered2006 It is almost like I like it too much. If I strive for serenity & like something that is actually GOOD for me! What Will I do?

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Behavior is a Mirror in Which Everyone Shows His Image -Goethe

Often times we think our masks are a sufficient facade.

In reality, the masks are but a thin veil to who we really are.

The way we act when we think no one is looking is the mirror
that leads to our true selves.

Allow yourself to behave as you truly feel;
behave as if no one is looking.

The trick is to allow yourself to grow into the woman (or man)
God intended you to be.

When you do, you will not care if you are being watched.

Be Proud of who you are

And Love the image the mirror reflects.

No One Has Ever Done Anything too Bad to Be Forgiven. -Ruth Sheppard

I have spent so many years hanging on to the things I have done
and what has been done to me.

Resentments keep us sick.

A heart filled with resentment is in turmoil and yields an embittered soul.
You can not love as you should.

The inability to forgive turns our hearts cold and denies the Holy Spirit’s ability to warm us and work through us.

We learn to forgive in order to set ourselves free.

Only through forgiveness can we live a life of love and peace and serenity.

Remember, Pray for those that have harmed you;
ask God to help you forgive them.
Pray that they become the children of God they were intended to be.

Pray to learn to forgive yourself.
You are not your past.
You are not bound to exist in its shadow.

Allow Yourself to Love and Be Loved

If I could spare you any pain in your life; this is the key.

I have spent so many years trying to fill a void.

I am now learning, all I have needed was to love myself enough to be loved.

God created us to be loved….

Like a bird was created to fly; we were created to love and be loved.

Living unloved is like the clipping of a bird’s wings.

We were created to love and be loved.

We were created to fly…..

Learn the Importance of Serving Others

Through serving others we realize our capacity as humans; we see what we are capable of and how our actions can positively impact others.

By helping others, we help ourselves.

Living a life of service assists us in being self-less rather than selfish.

As the years pass, we are able to impart our experience and wisdom to benefit others.

Your past can be your greatest asset.

Your life experiences may be of infinite value to another.

We must find ways to love and serve everyone.

The Journey Begins…

How does one put into words what they have learned and think others may learn from?

Being a Mamma to three SWEET kids has made this question all the more meaningful.

A few months ago I was asked,

“If you were to die tomorrow, what would you have needed Sadie to know?”

I have been pondering that question ever since….

What do I need Sadie (my oldest daughter) to know?

There are so many things I have wanted to say, but how to say it?

Sooooo, I have decided to write them…..I figure if I write a small snippet of some truth I have learned, the hard way of course, maybe I can spare my children the pains of my past.

Isn’t that what every parent wants?

I tell you what though, it isn’t even all about my children.

I want my experiences to help others and maybe someone will hear exactly what they need to hear to make their pain lessen.

I want to be spared future pain.

And the blogging begins, I implore you to help me on this journey…..

If you were to die tomorrow, what would you need your loved ones to know……..